The Rules of Effective Feedback

1. Always start with a question: How do you think you are doing?  It helps give the person receiving joint ownership of the issue and makes him feel included, not excluded.

2. Don't give criticism unless it's invited: unexpected negative feedback can provoke push back and will be discounted.

3. Make sure you are viewed as having the authority to give constructive feedback.  Critique from those perceived as peers or unqualified to give it will create resistance and strong push back.

4. Distinguish if a demand for change reflects your desires or is a valid critique of how a person is doing something.  Know when "You might be too demanding" really means " I want to feel more accepted".

5. Never give feedback when you're angry: anger will just alienate the listener.  Try to express your disappointment instead.

6. Know who you are talking to.  Narcissists tend to take criticism as a personal attack.  The insecure they lose all self -esteem.

7. Always expect defensiveness as the first response to criticism; a change in attitude and performance may come later.

8. Know a little about yourself. If you're relatively easy with criticism, curb the tendency to be heavy -handed when delivering it.